_{Editor’s Note: This guest blog post was submitted by adoptive mother, Destinie Little.}

Going through infertility can be a lonely place. Yes people can comfort you, but they will never truly understand exactly what you are feeling unless they have experienced it themselves.

While trying to conceive I received much “advice” from many people. Advice such as “oh it’ll happen when it’s supposed to”, “if you just relax it’ll happen”, “take a trip and it’ll happen, that’s what worked for us”, “it’ll happen when you stop trying”. All of these people meant well but the truth is that infertility is a medical disorder that cannot be cured by simply going on a vacation. I believe it’s easier for people to try to encourage in this way or simply distance themselves from those struggling because infertility is such an uncomfortable topic.

What I wish that all of my friends and family knew about infertility is that yes it is a medical disorder. Yes it affects you mentally and emotionally because getting pregnant is one of the only things that is almost completely out of our control on this earth. As women God created us to mother so that desire runs deep. But distancing yourself or giving advice is not what is needed. Don’t change who you are or how you act. Yes please tell me that you are pregnant, please invite me to your baby shower because I want to celebrate with you! I can be happy for you and sad for myself at the same time and that is completely OK! It hurts worse to be the last one to know that you’re having a baby or that you are having a baby shower. Continue to invite me in, this gives room for me to feel like I have someone that I can lean into on those hard days. Don’t be afraid to ask me where I’m at in my journey or how I am handling everything. Most likely, I would love the opportunity to be able to talk about it! You asking lets me know that I am loved and I am valued. Please pray for me and with me. Our journeys to growing our family may look different but we can still walk them together. Infertility is not a one size fits all but each journey is beautiful in its own way.

The best way to be there for a friend or family member who is struggling with infertility is to continue to treat them normal. Don’t tip toe around them or avoid their diagnoses. Pray to the Lord on their behalf. Don’t be afraid to talk about it with them. Encourage them in their journey whether they are in the thick of it or exploring other avenues such as adoption! Remember that adoption is just as special and important as them conceiving a child. The Lord has a different path for everyone, how special! Grieve with them while they are grieving, rejoice with them when they are rejoicing. Celebrate their small wins and their big wins. In infertility a win is a win!‬‬

“There is an occasion for everything, and a time for every activity under heaven: a time to give birth and a time to die; a time to plant and a time to uproot; a time to kill and a time to heal; a time to tear down and a time to build; a time to weep and a time to laugh; a time to mourn and a time to dance; a time to throw stones and a time to gather stones; a time to embrace and a time to avoid embracing; a time to search and a time to count as lost; a time to keep and a time to throw away; a time to tear and a time to sew; a time to be silent and a time to speak; a time to love and a time to hate; a time for war and a time for peace. ”
Ecclesiastes‬ ‭3‬:‭1‬-‭8‬ ‭CSB

Editor’s Note: This guest blog post was submitted by adoptive mother, Cecily Conquest, who shares a vulnerable look into what they learned through their own experience pursuing adoption after infertility. With her gracious permission, we have the privilege to feature this truth-filled and encouraging piece with you.

I will never forget the moment I heard a doctor say to me, “you will never be able to have [biological] children.” I had just turned 16 and was diagnosed with a rare genetic condition that resulted in infertility. Everything around me blurred, the doctor’s voice muffled as I felt my world crumbling around me. My dreams, my plans and my future all shattered with one sentence. I felt betrayed by my own body. It was not able to do the “one” thing a woman’s body should be able to do. I honestly don’t remember a lot of what happened in the six months after my diagnosis. I was grieving the plans I had made for my life and the dreams of what could have been. I was feeling broken, defective and purposeless. 

For years I have prayed and pleaded with the Lord to heal my body. I’ve cried out to Him to open my womb like He did for Sarah and Elizabeth. I know He is more than capable to perform even the most unbelievable miracles. In Daniel 3 it talks about the story of Shadrach, Meshach and Abendego and how King Nebuchadnezzar is threatening to cast them into the fiery furnace if they do not bow down and worship him. They say something so profound that I think can apply to infertility. 

They say, “We do not need to defend ourselves before you in this matter. If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to deliver us from it, and he will deliver us. But even if He does not, we want you to know, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up.” 

What a beautiful picture of what we can do when it comes to our infertility. We can pray that God would heal our bodies and have the faith to say, ”But even if He does not…He is still good. He is still a kind and loving Father. He still loves me.” Friends, if you have found your way to the adoption journey because of infertility I want you to know that you are not alone. You are not broken. You are not defective. You are strong. You are brave. You have purpose. You are loved by God. We can still trust Him “even if He does not”. 

For many women I think it’s safe to say that we desire to be mothers above most things and when we are faced with infertility it can even heighten that desire. We see friend after friend share pregnancy announcements and while we can be genuinely happy for them, feelings of jealousy and heartbreak can co-exist. This is where we must be so careful in the journey to adoption. Before we even step into the process we need to check our hearts and make sure we have worked towards healing the grief of infertility.

The diagnosis of infertility can be absolutely life altering and without proper healing we can unintentionally cause harm in the adoption process. It is easy to feel like a baby can heal our wound of infertility, but that is the farthest thing from the truth. Only God and a great therapist can help us process through that level of grief. I don’t know that the wound of infertility is ever healed, but we can come to a place of acceptance. Only when we reach that space should we consider stepping into an adoption situation where we are equipped to help our adoptee navigate and process through the trauma of being adopted. 

The desire to be a mom is natural and normal, however we cannot confuse what we desire with what we deserve. My prayers and sincere desires to become a mom did not mean that I was entitled to someone else’s baby. I was not owed a baby because of my inability to have biological children. I love my son more than anything in this world and I cannot even fathom a life without him, but I do not believe that his mom got pregnant to fulfill the desires of my heart. I was able to become a mom because she chose us to raise her son, not because I was in some way more deserving of motherhood. To be chosen is an honor and a privilege not an expectation.  

I think it’s easy for us to feel like we are owed something because our infertility has taken so much away from us. If we are not careful, we can become so desperate to become a mom that we overlook that for us to become mothers, another mother’s arms must be emptied. For our family to be created, another family must be broken. In our desperation we run the risk of becoming blind and numb to the life altering decision that adoption is for both the adoptee and the birth family. In that blindness we can overlook or justify coercive behaviors toward the expectant mom for the sake of getting what we want. We need to remember that the ultimate goal is for families to stay together, but when that is not possible adoption comes in. When we say yes to adoption we are not just saying yes to a baby, we are saying yes to opening our hearts to their birth family and honoring them always, educating ourselves on parenting a child with trauma and continually seeking ways to support our adoptees as they process through what it means to be adopted. 

We are not defined by our infertility or whether someone calls us mom. Our worth comes from knowing what the Lord says about us. He says we are valuable, lovely and cherished and made to reflect His goodness. The desire to be a mother is not in and of itself a bad thing, however, we cannot let that desire turn into desperation that clouds our judgment and compassion towards the expectant mom and her plan for her child. In the wait, we must constantly check our hearts to see if there is any hint of entitlement. We can grieve our infertility AND accept the fact that our infertility does not automatically mean we deserve someone else’s baby. Once we accept that mentality, we can fully embrace all the complexities of adoption, honor both the adoptee and birth family and rely on God’s wisdom and guidance to do things with integrity throughout the whole adoption journey.   

*Post contributed by adoptive mother, Cecily Conquest.