Editor’s Note: This guest blog post was submitted by adoptive mother, Cecily Conquest, who shares a vulnerable look into what they learned through their own experience pursuing adoption after infertility. With her gracious permission, we have the privilege to feature this truth-filled and encouraging piece with you.

I will never forget the moment I heard a doctor say to me, “you will never be able to have [biological] children.” I had just turned 16 and was diagnosed with a rare genetic condition that resulted in infertility. Everything around me blurred, the doctor’s voice muffled as I felt my world crumbling around me. My dreams, my plans and my future all shattered with one sentence. I felt betrayed by my own body. It was not able to do the “one” thing a woman’s body should be able to do. I honestly don’t remember a lot of what happened in the six months after my diagnosis. I was grieving the plans I had made for my life and the dreams of what could have been. I was feeling broken, defective and purposeless. 

For years I have prayed and pleaded with the Lord to heal my body. I’ve cried out to Him to open my womb like He did for Sarah and Elizabeth. I know He is more than capable to perform even the most unbelievable miracles. In Daniel 3 it talks about the story of Shadrach, Meshach and Abendego and how King Nebuchadnezzar is threatening to cast them into the fiery furnace if they do not bow down and worship him. They say something so profound that I think can apply to infertility. 

They say, “We do not need to defend ourselves before you in this matter. If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to deliver us from it, and he will deliver us. But even if He does not, we want you to know, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up.” 

What a beautiful picture of what we can do when it comes to our infertility. We can pray that God would heal our bodies and have the faith to say, ”But even if He does not…He is still good. He is still a kind and loving Father. He still loves me.” Friends, if you have found your way to the adoption journey because of infertility I want you to know that you are not alone. You are not broken. You are not defective. You are strong. You are brave. You have purpose. You are loved by God. We can still trust Him “even if He does not”. 

For many women I think it’s safe to say that we desire to be mothers above most things and when we are faced with infertility it can even heighten that desire. We see friend after friend share pregnancy announcements and while we can be genuinely happy for them, feelings of jealousy and heartbreak can co-exist. This is where we must be so careful in the journey to adoption. Before we even step into the process we need to check our hearts and make sure we have worked towards healing the grief of infertility.

The diagnosis of infertility can be absolutely life altering and without proper healing we can unintentionally cause harm in the adoption process. It is easy to feel like a baby can heal our wound of infertility, but that is the farthest thing from the truth. Only God and a great therapist can help us process through that level of grief. I don’t know that the wound of infertility is ever healed, but we can come to a place of acceptance. Only when we reach that space should we consider stepping into an adoption situation where we are equipped to help our adoptee navigate and process through the trauma of being adopted. 

The desire to be a mom is natural and normal, however we cannot confuse what we desire with what we deserve. My prayers and sincere desires to become a mom did not mean that I was entitled to someone else’s baby. I was not owed a baby because of my inability to have biological children. I love my son more than anything in this world and I cannot even fathom a life without him, but I do not believe that his mom got pregnant to fulfill the desires of my heart. I was able to become a mom because she chose us to raise her son, not because I was in some way more deserving of motherhood. To be chosen is an honor and a privilege not an expectation.  

I think it’s easy for us to feel like we are owed something because our infertility has taken so much away from us. If we are not careful, we can become so desperate to become a mom that we overlook that for us to become mothers, another mother’s arms must be emptied. For our family to be created, another family must be broken. In our desperation we run the risk of becoming blind and numb to the life altering decision that adoption is for both the adoptee and the birth family. In that blindness we can overlook or justify coercive behaviors toward the expectant mom for the sake of getting what we want. We need to remember that the ultimate goal is for families to stay together, but when that is not possible adoption comes in. When we say yes to adoption we are not just saying yes to a baby, we are saying yes to opening our hearts to their birth family and honoring them always, educating ourselves on parenting a child with trauma and continually seeking ways to support our adoptees as they process through what it means to be adopted. 

We are not defined by our infertility or whether someone calls us mom. Our worth comes from knowing what the Lord says about us. He says we are valuable, lovely and cherished and made to reflect His goodness. The desire to be a mother is not in and of itself a bad thing, however, we cannot let that desire turn into desperation that clouds our judgment and compassion towards the expectant mom and her plan for her child. In the wait, we must constantly check our hearts to see if there is any hint of entitlement. We can grieve our infertility AND accept the fact that our infertility does not automatically mean we deserve someone else’s baby. Once we accept that mentality, we can fully embrace all the complexities of adoption, honor both the adoptee and birth family and rely on God’s wisdom and guidance to do things with integrity throughout the whole adoption journey.   

*Post contributed by adoptive mother, Cecily Conquest.

Editor’s Note: This guest blog post was submitted by hopeful adoptive mother, Roxanne Rich, who shares an honest look into what they have learned and are still discovering during their adoption journey. With her gracious permission, we have the privilege to feature this raw and transparent piece with you.

Let’s be honest. The road to adoption is exhausting.  

My husband, Auston, and I are still in our “season of waiting” and can tell you firsthand that the ups and downs of this experience can drain you and your marriage. Early in this ever-winding road of trying to grow our family, my husband and I have experienced ill health, pregnancy losses, and large disagreements that could only be resolved after speaking with a professional counselor. We have been poked and prodded by doctors. We’ve been forced to face hard truths about our physical, emotional, and psychological limits. And that all occurred BEFORE we chose to sign on with an adoption agency for the “next path forward”.  

Once you’re officially on the road to adoption a whole new set of questions start circling in your head: When will we be chosen? When will the next situation come through?Does everyone else feel like this? Why weren’t we chosen? Should we rewrite our profile book? What can we do to make ourselves look more appealing, make an expectant mother like us, or help promote our agency so expectant mothers know about them. Why does everyone overlook us? What’s next?. . . 

Your head spins, you lose sight, and finally you scream into the abyss of your brain, “SILENCE! Wait your turn. You’re not the only family on this journey. Have patience and give yourself grace.”

You take a beat. You breathe a bit. And you begin to try to understand why you’re here. Beyond adoption. Beyond growing your family. Why are you HERE? Why are you in this moment? Why are you still waiting when other hopeful adoptive-parents have already been chosen? Why did your adoption become disrupted? Why. Are. You. Here?

Everyone has different “why’s”. While trying to find reasons for our own specific path that we have no idea where it leads, my husband and I have found answers near and far. And fun fact, none of them have to do with expanding our own family.  

EMBRACE THE NOW.  

While you’re here, remember to enjoy the life around you. By not being chosen and by sitting in a house with an empty bedroom, we are forced to embrace our current life. Instead of holding a cooing baby, my husband has time to coach our son’s baseball team. Instead of washing and drying newborn clothes, I have the time after work to volunteer at non-profits like my church and at local theaters. By being told “no” about a future with an expectant mother, we have had the opportunity to look around us and hone in on what makes today and today alone so precious. Once we’re done waiting, we’re not getting these weeks, months, or years back. So let’s live and love in the now and make this time great.  

BUILD A COMMUNITY.  

You may be here so that you have time to reach out to others who are on a similar journey and build a community of those who understand what you’re going through. Creating a support group of friends, family, and strangers who become mentors and friends is so important in the adoption process. You can take notes from those who have already adopted, lean on and pray for those who are in your same phase of waiting, and you can help others to decide if adoption is the right path for them. We’ve all heard that “raising a child takes a village”. Use this time to build yours.  

BE A LIGHT.  

Many of us have fallen into the trap of organizing and reorganizing a nursery. Or staring at our social media posts and profile books wondering what we can tweak to make them better. Hours are spent rewriting, refolding, and preparing for something that is not here yet. What if we took all of that anxiety and pent-up excitement of one day adopting and put it into taking care of others and ensuring they have a great day?

With my brother-in-law deployed, we have used this time of waiting to really lean into helping my sister juggle her two young boys. From random playdates to tagging in at bedtime, we have used our “spare time” to shower the boys with love and help uphold a steady environment where they can thrive. As an added bonus, earlier this summer we chose to put down the grant application we had been stressing over and created a secret text with friends and family to ensure my sister had a great birthday while her husband was deployed. By the time her birthday rolled around the group had created an all-day scavenger hunt full of birthday surprises that ended with all of us at dinner together. Auston & I were able to turn off our brains from the adoption wait for a whole week while ensuring that on my sister’s birthday she felt supported and surrounded by love.  

By being a light during someone else’s challenging time, you help elevate your own happiness and ease the passing of time … even if just for a week.  

BE SOME OTHER FAMILY’S SUPPORT.  

As mentioned before, the adoption process can be a rollercoaster. When a fellow hopeful-adoptive-parent is feeling down with a “woe is me ” or “why not us?” outlook, try to be the sounding board when someone is spiraling. Sit with them, talk with them, and begin to lift them up to help them see a positive angle to why they’re here. By being their shoulder to lean on and offering a hand when they stumble, your understanding of the adoption process and the adoption triad will grow immensely.  

EDUCATE AND ADVOCATE.  

In this God-sent time of waiting, we could use our time here to turn our attention to educating others about adoption and in turn, advocating for all three points of the adoption triad. Education can come through podcasts, books, blogs, etc. My personal favorite is through conversation. Through education, we can better understand an outsider’s confusion, empathize with a fellow hopeful-adoptive-parent, and welcome knowledge being given to us by a birth mother, adoptee, or adoptive parent.  

Finding your reason for being here is not always simple. And truth be told, it doesn’t always give you peace of mind, because some days are just hard. But it helps. By taking a hard look at your reason behind choosing to adopt, you can find the true meaning of why your life story is unfolding the way it is.  

So tell me … Why are you here?

*Post contributed by hopeful adoptive mother, Roxanne Rich

Editor’s Note: This guest blog post was submitted by adoptive father, Joseph Tanner, who wrote it during their adoption journey for his blog, Consulting & Counseling. With his gracious permission, we have the privilege to feature this honest, relatable piece on our own blog. We hope you find his words helpful and encouraging.

Melicia and I have committed to engaging on this platform often enough to document our story and keep others informed along the path, so it’s time for another update. We want others – whether you’re going through a similar situation or not – to be able to understand what we’re thinking and what’s going on along the way, rather than when we look back at the end. Hindsight’s 20/20, but there’s also a temptation for some revisionist history along the way if don’t stay in the moment. So, here goes – we’re in a new stage of waiting and here’s what that’s like:

We are officially “active” with our adoption agency! This means we are eligible to be matched with a situation that our agency brings to our attention. Once we’re notified of an [expectant] mother situation, we are able to say “yes” or “no” and then the [expectant] mother will choose from all active couples who say “yes” to the situation, thereby forming a match.

In this stage, a couple of ideas are running through our minds. First, we want to say “yes” to everything. We’ve got a lot of love to give and this has been a long process. The end starts to seem like it could be near. Second, we realize we can’t say “yes” to everything. Our adoption agency has been very helpful in providing some topics we need to discuss in advance so that we can be prepared to quickly say “yes” or “no” when that email comes through. Though not an exhaustive list, topics include:

• Are we equipped for the immediate medical needs of the baby? This means mentally and emotionally, but even financially – and especially geographically, what medical and childcare services are available where we live?
• Are we equipped culturally and socially for the needs of the baby? Do we have people and resources in our life to support a child who may come from a different cultural or ethnic background than ours?
• Are we equipped for the long-term developmental needs of the baby? Given what’s known at the time, do we have access to the necessary kinds of education and specialized schooling the child may need? If not, would we be in a position to change our circumstances?

These are hard questions because we never want to say “no,” but we have to understand and be honest with ourselves when we’re not the best option for this baby. It would be selfish to ignore that truth and say “yes” when it’s unwise to do so. If you’re going through the adoption process and haven’t been exposed to these kinds of considerations, please reach out and we’d love to share what we’ve learned in more detail.

And then we get to those situations where we do say “yes.” After that, we just wait – we hope and pray that we’re chosen. That brings me to the third idea running through our minds these days. We want so badly to plead our case as to why we should be chosen. “Look at our profile book! Look! We’re a perfect fit! We satisfy the exact needs in this situation – no need to stress over the decision!” If only we could say that, we might be chosen…

…but that’s not the way it works.

For good reason, we cannot plead our case. We have to remember that this process is not designed for our benefit. It is for the child and then it is for the [expectant] mother. We ought not place undue pressure on a birth mother when an ideal resolution is full restoration and a unified family. This world is a broken place, but we should not desire another broken family so that ours can be full. To do so would be inconsiderate, un-Christlike, and unethical. Instead, we are simply experiencing a different kind of waiting – one where even though we’re waiting for something different, we are once again left waiting to trust the Lord’s will, timing, and provision.

*Post contributed by adoptive father, Joseph Tanner .

Read more about Joseph & Melicia’s story by visiting Joseph’s blog, Consulting & Counseling.