Editor’s Note: This guest blog post was submitted by adoptive mother, Cecily Conquest, who shares a vulnerable look into what they learned through their own experience pursuing adoption after infertility. With her gracious permission, we have the privilege to feature this truth-filled and encouraging piece with you.

I will never forget the moment I heard a doctor say to me, “you will never be able to have [biological] children.” I had just turned 16 and was diagnosed with a rare genetic condition that resulted in infertility. Everything around me blurred, the doctor’s voice muffled as I felt my world crumbling around me. My dreams, my plans and my future all shattered with one sentence. I felt betrayed by my own body. It was not able to do the “one” thing a woman’s body should be able to do. I honestly don’t remember a lot of what happened in the six months after my diagnosis. I was grieving the plans I had made for my life and the dreams of what could have been. I was feeling broken, defective and purposeless. 

For years I have prayed and pleaded with the Lord to heal my body. I’ve cried out to Him to open my womb like He did for Sarah and Elizabeth. I know He is more than capable to perform even the most unbelievable miracles. In Daniel 3 it talks about the story of Shadrach, Meshach and Abendego and how King Nebuchadnezzar is threatening to cast them into the fiery furnace if they do not bow down and worship him. They say something so profound that I think can apply to infertility. 

They say, “We do not need to defend ourselves before you in this matter. If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to deliver us from it, and he will deliver us. But even if He does not, we want you to know, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up.” 

What a beautiful picture of what we can do when it comes to our infertility. We can pray that God would heal our bodies and have the faith to say, ”But even if He does not…He is still good. He is still a kind and loving Father. He still loves me.” Friends, if you have found your way to the adoption journey because of infertility I want you to know that you are not alone. You are not broken. You are not defective. You are strong. You are brave. You have purpose. You are loved by God. We can still trust Him “even if He does not”. 

For many women I think it’s safe to say that we desire to be mothers above most things and when we are faced with infertility it can even heighten that desire. We see friend after friend share pregnancy announcements and while we can be genuinely happy for them, feelings of jealousy and heartbreak can co-exist. This is where we must be so careful in the journey to adoption. Before we even step into the process we need to check our hearts and make sure we have worked towards healing the grief of infertility.

The diagnosis of infertility can be absolutely life altering and without proper healing we can unintentionally cause harm in the adoption process. It is easy to feel like a baby can heal our wound of infertility, but that is the farthest thing from the truth. Only God and a great therapist can help us process through that level of grief. I don’t know that the wound of infertility is ever healed, but we can come to a place of acceptance. Only when we reach that space should we consider stepping into an adoption situation where we are equipped to help our adoptee navigate and process through the trauma of being adopted. 

The desire to be a mom is natural and normal, however we cannot confuse what we desire with what we deserve. My prayers and sincere desires to become a mom did not mean that I was entitled to someone else’s baby. I was not owed a baby because of my inability to have biological children. I love my son more than anything in this world and I cannot even fathom a life without him, but I do not believe that his mom got pregnant to fulfill the desires of my heart. I was able to become a mom because she chose us to raise her son, not because I was in some way more deserving of motherhood. To be chosen is an honor and a privilege not an expectation.  

I think it’s easy for us to feel like we are owed something because our infertility has taken so much away from us. If we are not careful, we can become so desperate to become a mom that we overlook that for us to become mothers, another mother’s arms must be emptied. For our family to be created, another family must be broken. In our desperation we run the risk of becoming blind and numb to the life altering decision that adoption is for both the adoptee and the birth family. In that blindness we can overlook or justify coercive behaviors toward the expectant mom for the sake of getting what we want. We need to remember that the ultimate goal is for families to stay together, but when that is not possible adoption comes in. When we say yes to adoption we are not just saying yes to a baby, we are saying yes to opening our hearts to their birth family and honoring them always, educating ourselves on parenting a child with trauma and continually seeking ways to support our adoptees as they process through what it means to be adopted. 

We are not defined by our infertility or whether someone calls us mom. Our worth comes from knowing what the Lord says about us. He says we are valuable, lovely and cherished and made to reflect His goodness. The desire to be a mother is not in and of itself a bad thing, however, we cannot let that desire turn into desperation that clouds our judgment and compassion towards the expectant mom and her plan for her child. In the wait, we must constantly check our hearts to see if there is any hint of entitlement. We can grieve our infertility AND accept the fact that our infertility does not automatically mean we deserve someone else’s baby. Once we accept that mentality, we can fully embrace all the complexities of adoption, honor both the adoptee and birth family and rely on God’s wisdom and guidance to do things with integrity throughout the whole adoption journey.   

*Post contributed by adoptive mother, Cecily Conquest.

Editor’s Note: This guest blog post was submitted by adoptive mother, Amy Rowan, who shares what they learned during their adoption journey. With her gracious permission, we have the privilege to feature this insightful and transparent piece with you.

Adoption is a complicated tapestry woven together with strands of joy, sorrow, love, fear, excitement, grief, and more. While experiencing the journey, it’s easy to focus on the individual strands, but at the end of the story, a big, beautiful tapestry awaits. Our adoption journey officially began in December of 2019, but our desire to provide a loving home to a child or children began many years before that. Adoption had been important to Brendon and me for years as both of our families have been blessed by adoption. We knew that the process was very expensive, and before we officially began the process in 2019, we wanted to make sure that we were financially stable and had saved up enough to be prepared if things were to move quickly. Little did we know how slowly the process would move for us.

Once we applied and were accepted with the agency we chose (Quiver Full Adoptions), we knew there was a possibility that it would take years to welcome a child into our home; however, we thought “surely that won’t happen to us. God has given us this desire, so things will move quickly.” We were on a waiting list with our agency for about 8 to 9 months before we were moved to the active list which made us eligible to receive adoption situations. I’ll never forget the first adoption situation we received. We read through the situation and almost immediately said yes. Our minds then started spiraling about all the things we would need to do and the baby items we would need to purchase. I tried to keep my mind in check by reminding myself that we would not be chosen for the very first situation we ever received, but it was difficult to keep my thoughts reigned in. When we received the news that we had not been chosen, we were so disappointed even though we knew the likelihood of being chosen was low. That disappointment never got easier.

Over the next 15 months, we heard “no” so many times we began to feel numb. The wait was excruciating. We knew God had called us to adoption, but why were we hearing “no” again and again? The Lord used Psalm 130 during these difficult months. Verses 5 through 6a were especially meaningful to us during this time.

“I wait for the Lord, my soul waits, and in his word I hope; my soul waits for the Lord…” – Psalm 130:5-6a

I would play Shane and Shane’s “I Will Wait for You (Psalm 130)” on repeat and cry out to the Lord asking him to fulfill our deepest desire to fill our home with a child or children. This wait was so difficult, and we felt as though our friends, family, and coworkers did not understand what we were going through; however, the Lord gave us comfort through this time and brought people into our lives who truly could relate with our journey. Just when we felt we hit a new “low,” the Lord would provide either a financial blessing to help with adoption expenses or the kind words or actions of a friend. He was with us through the entire journey!

During those 15 months of waiting, there were many times we connected with expectant mothers, and we were so close to hearing “yes,” but that yes did not come until December of 2021. An expectant mother finally picked us! The baby was due in May of 2022, and we could not be more excited. We celebrated with family and friends and grew more excited by the day. The expectant mother lived about 2.5 hours away from us, so she was close enough to meet and spend some time with. We got to know her very well and communicated daily. We traveled to take her to doctor’s appointments and picked out a name for baby boy together. Our friends and family threw baby showers for us, and we had prepared everything we needed to welcome baby boy into our home. As her due date approached the expectant mother seemed to grow more distant. We expected this to happen as we knew that the closer the due date came, the more difficult things would be for her both physically and emotionally; however, I began preparing my heart for an adoption disruption. I couldn’t put my finger on it, but I had an instinct that the expectant mother would not follow through with her adoption plan. I truly believe this was the Lord preparing my heart for what was to come.

On the day before the expectant mother’s scheduled C-Section, we traveled to her hometown and checked into a hotel. It was there that we discovered that we had been blocked from all forms of communication with her, and our adoption agency had as well. We were devastated. Not only because of the adoption disruption, but also because it felt like we had lost a friend. We had spent months building a relationship with this expectant mother, and suddenly we had no contact with her. We drove home and unpacked our car. It was filled to the brim with baby items. We put all those items in the nursery, closed the door, and left them there for several weeks before we could muster up the courage to put them away. We spent the next week with our family, both grieving the loss of the child we expected to welcome into our home, but also rejoicing that the baby’s mother felt empowered and supported enough to raise her child. When we were tempted to feel like those six months were a waste of time and money, we remembered that the mother who had chosen us needed someone to walk through her pregnancy with her. We felt as though God had allowed us to be there to support her when she needed it most. That is certainly not a waste! We are thankful that both she and God had chosen us to walk beside her during a time in her life when she needed support.

Almost immediately after the disruption we jumped back into the world of waiting to be chosen. Again. Over the next couple of months, we had glimmers of hope that we were going to be chosen, but ultimately, we were not. We felt the Lord leading us to partner with an adoption attorney in addition to our agency to hopefully broaden our reach with expectant mothers. By this point in time, our official adoption journey had been ongoing longer than 2.5 years. After taking the leap to retain the adoption attorney, we were contacted about the possibility of being presented to two different expectant mothers, but the attorney’s office would only present us to one at a time, so we had to pick one. We picked the situation that seemed a little bit more complicated, but we both felt the Lord leading us that direction. And boy are we glad we listened to His leading! The expectant mother picked us! This was mid-July, and her due date was only a little over 2 months away. Once again, we were thrilled!

After the initial excitement settled, the fear of another disruption began to creep in. The roller coaster of emotions was so difficult. One moment I could barely contain my excitement, and the next moment, I would be convinced that it was too good to be true. The Lord brought Psalm 34:4 to our attention which says,

“I sought the Lord and He answered me and delivered me from all my fears.” – Psalm 34:4

When tempted to fear, I would do my best to redirect my attention to seeking the Lord. We knew that He cared for us and had plans for our family. And boy were they amazing plans.

In late September, our precious daughter, Ivy Marie, was born in Oregon. We traveled across the entire country (which is a story of God’s provision in and of itself). She was in our arms a mere 12 hours after her birth, and she has been loved and held by us ever since. The name Ivy means “God’s gracious gift,” and besides our relationship with God, Ivy is our greatest most treasured blessing. The Lord provided for us in many ways during our time in Oregon. Friends and family donated toward our travel expenses, we were chosen to be the recipients of an adoption grant the same day we found out the adoption would be more expensive than we originally anticipated, and we received multiple gift cards for coffee and food. This doesn’t include the businesses that supported our journey by donating portions of their sales to our adoption fund, our church family donating toward adoption expenses, the people we met in Oregon who loaned us baby supplies, or the fundraisers that family and friends held on our behalf.

Our story is not perfect. I doubted God’s plan through this process, and there were times that I wondered if our desire to provide a home for a child was our own selfish desire. Had we misunderstood what we felt to be God’s calling? No, we heard Him correctly – He just had some work to do in our hearts before we were ready. One of the things I learned through this process is that it’s ok to need the help of others. My personality is wired to be a helper – I love to be there for others when they need it. But there will be times that I need help, and it’s ok to allow others to be a blessing to me. I also learned that God’s timing is not always our timing. When we started this process in 2019, I wanted a child…like yesterday. I could never have dreamed that we would have to wait almost 3 years before that desire would become a reality. But God taught us so much during the wait. He taught us to be patient, and He taught us to keep our eyes on Him.

As we prepare to celebrate Ivy’s first birthday, I am so thankful for what God taught us through this journey. Don’t be discouraged during the wait. Lean into the support of your family and friends and lean into the lessons that the Lord is teaching you. When God has placed a desire in your heart, pursue that desire and know that He will prepare a way in His own timing. Seek Him and His desires for your life will become your desires. Psalm 37:4 says,

“Delight yourself in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart.” – Psalm 37:4

This verse does not mean that God will give you whatever you want whenever you want; however, it does mean that as you desire God, he will mold your desires to align with His. When I look at the tapestry of our adoption journey and trace back each individual strand, they all lead back to God’s goodness. The tapestry, though full of tears and trials, is beautiful.

*Post contributed by adoptive mother, Amy Rowan

Editor’s Note: This guest blog post was submitted by adoptive father, Joseph Tanner, who wrote it during their adoption journey for his blog, Consulting & Counseling. With his gracious permission, we have the privilege to feature this honest, relatable piece on our own blog. We hope you find his words helpful and encouraging.

Melicia and I have committed to engaging on this platform often enough to document our story and keep others informed along the path, so it’s time for another update. We want others – whether you’re going through a similar situation or not – to be able to understand what we’re thinking and what’s going on along the way, rather than when we look back at the end. Hindsight’s 20/20, but there’s also a temptation for some revisionist history along the way if don’t stay in the moment. So, here goes – we’re in a new stage of waiting and here’s what that’s like:

We are officially “active” with our adoption agency! This means we are eligible to be matched with a situation that our agency brings to our attention. Once we’re notified of an [expectant] mother situation, we are able to say “yes” or “no” and then the [expectant] mother will choose from all active couples who say “yes” to the situation, thereby forming a match.

In this stage, a couple of ideas are running through our minds. First, we want to say “yes” to everything. We’ve got a lot of love to give and this has been a long process. The end starts to seem like it could be near. Second, we realize we can’t say “yes” to everything. Our adoption agency has been very helpful in providing some topics we need to discuss in advance so that we can be prepared to quickly say “yes” or “no” when that email comes through. Though not an exhaustive list, topics include:

• Are we equipped for the immediate medical needs of the baby? This means mentally and emotionally, but even financially – and especially geographically, what medical and childcare services are available where we live?
• Are we equipped culturally and socially for the needs of the baby? Do we have people and resources in our life to support a child who may come from a different cultural or ethnic background than ours?
• Are we equipped for the long-term developmental needs of the baby? Given what’s known at the time, do we have access to the necessary kinds of education and specialized schooling the child may need? If not, would we be in a position to change our circumstances?

These are hard questions because we never want to say “no,” but we have to understand and be honest with ourselves when we’re not the best option for this baby. It would be selfish to ignore that truth and say “yes” when it’s unwise to do so. If you’re going through the adoption process and haven’t been exposed to these kinds of considerations, please reach out and we’d love to share what we’ve learned in more detail.

And then we get to those situations where we do say “yes.” After that, we just wait – we hope and pray that we’re chosen. That brings me to the third idea running through our minds these days. We want so badly to plead our case as to why we should be chosen. “Look at our profile book! Look! We’re a perfect fit! We satisfy the exact needs in this situation – no need to stress over the decision!” If only we could say that, we might be chosen…

…but that’s not the way it works.

For good reason, we cannot plead our case. We have to remember that this process is not designed for our benefit. It is for the child and then it is for the [expectant] mother. We ought not place undue pressure on a birth mother when an ideal resolution is full restoration and a unified family. This world is a broken place, but we should not desire another broken family so that ours can be full. To do so would be inconsiderate, un-Christlike, and unethical. Instead, we are simply experiencing a different kind of waiting – one where even though we’re waiting for something different, we are once again left waiting to trust the Lord’s will, timing, and provision.

*Post contributed by adoptive father, Joseph Tanner .

Read more about Joseph & Melicia’s story by visiting Joseph’s blog, Consulting & Counseling.