Editor’s Note: This guest blog post was submitted by adoptive mother and adult adoptee, Christine Wernquist, who shares their journey in this second installment of a three-part series. With her gracious permission, we have the privilege to feature this beautiful piece with you.

This is the second blog post of a three-part series. My prayer in sharing our story throughout this series is that families who are in the waiting will feel encouraged and to see how God perfectly knit our story together. Disclaimer: Our daughter’s birth mother has given permission to share details of our story. Some details will remain private for the sake of the intimacy of our journey. 

In the intricate tapestry of adoption, the threads of connection weave a story unique to each family. For us, the journey began when we were chosen by Brittiany, an extraordinary woman whose decision would forever shape the course of our lives. In this blog post, I invite you to join me as I share our experience of building a relationship with the incredible woman who entrusted us with the privilege of becoming parents.

From the moment our paths crossed, a spark ignited – a shared understanding of the profound emotions surrounding adoption. We were both excited, hopeful, scared, and everything in between.  Brittiany and I agreed from the start that no matter what the following months would bring we would promise to always be open and honest with each other. Open communication laid the foundation for trust and mutual respect. As we spent time together, a bond blossomed, connecting our lives in a way we could never have imagined.

My goal going into this experience was to have minimal expectations, only because I truly did not know what to expect. Like many hopeful adoptive parents, I had many fears: fearful of coming across as ingenuine, fearful of her not liking us, fearful of awkward interactions, and the selfish fear of walking away without a child. Ultimately, I was able to set my fears to the side and truly go in with an open heart. No matter the outcome, we believed we were in each other’s lives for a reason. Going in with an open heart was the best decision my husband and I could have made. We learned the delicate balance of being present without overwhelming, listening without judgment, and offering support without strings attached. 

As the months went by, we celebrated milestones together – from ultrasound appointments to moving apartments and assembling cribs, and ultimately being invited to experience the birth of our daughter. Engaging in these shared experiences fostered a sense of unity and reassurance for both us and Britiany. Adoption, like any significant life change, presented its share of challenges, of course. By facing challenges together, our bond deepened, proving that unity in the face of adversity strengthens the foundation of any relationship

For Brittiany and I, one of the cornerstones of our relationship is the commitment to honesty and transparency. Sharing our thoughts, fears, and joys openly allowed us to cultivate a relationship built on authenticity. I would encourage all waiting families to foster the same commitment when chosen by an expectant mother. 

When I reflect on this time in our adoption journey, I can’t help but think of Ecclesiastes 3:11, which says “He has made everything beautiful in its time”. The friendship and bond that Brittiany and I formed is nothing short of beautiful. To the waiting families, I encourage you to lean into this. God is making your story beautiful in His time. 

Ultimately, Brittiany’s decision to choose us was a profound act of trust. As we welcomed the gift of parenthood, we vowed to honor that trust by creating a loving and supportive environment for our daughter. This shared commitment became the cornerstone of our evolving relationship, marking the beginning of a beautiful family story.

*Post contributed by adoptive mother and adult adoptee, Christine Wernquist

Editor’s Note: This guest blog post was submitted by adoptive mother, Cecily Conquest, who shares a vulnerable look into what they learned through their own experience pursuing adoption after infertility. With her gracious permission, we have the privilege to feature this truth-filled and encouraging piece with you.

I will never forget the moment I heard a doctor say to me, “you will never be able to have [biological] children.” I had just turned 16 and was diagnosed with a rare genetic condition that resulted in infertility. Everything around me blurred, the doctor’s voice muffled as I felt my world crumbling around me. My dreams, my plans and my future all shattered with one sentence. I felt betrayed by my own body. It was not able to do the “one” thing a woman’s body should be able to do. I honestly don’t remember a lot of what happened in the six months after my diagnosis. I was grieving the plans I had made for my life and the dreams of what could have been. I was feeling broken, defective and purposeless. 

For years I have prayed and pleaded with the Lord to heal my body. I’ve cried out to Him to open my womb like He did for Sarah and Elizabeth. I know He is more than capable to perform even the most unbelievable miracles. In Daniel 3 it talks about the story of Shadrach, Meshach and Abendego and how King Nebuchadnezzar is threatening to cast them into the fiery furnace if they do not bow down and worship him. They say something so profound that I think can apply to infertility. 

They say, “We do not need to defend ourselves before you in this matter. If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to deliver us from it, and he will deliver us. But even if He does not, we want you to know, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up.” 

What a beautiful picture of what we can do when it comes to our infertility. We can pray that God would heal our bodies and have the faith to say, ”But even if He does not…He is still good. He is still a kind and loving Father. He still loves me.” Friends, if you have found your way to the adoption journey because of infertility I want you to know that you are not alone. You are not broken. You are not defective. You are strong. You are brave. You have purpose. You are loved by God. We can still trust Him “even if He does not”. 

For many women I think it’s safe to say that we desire to be mothers above most things and when we are faced with infertility it can even heighten that desire. We see friend after friend share pregnancy announcements and while we can be genuinely happy for them, feelings of jealousy and heartbreak can co-exist. This is where we must be so careful in the journey to adoption. Before we even step into the process we need to check our hearts and make sure we have worked towards healing the grief of infertility.

The diagnosis of infertility can be absolutely life altering and without proper healing we can unintentionally cause harm in the adoption process. It is easy to feel like a baby can heal our wound of infertility, but that is the farthest thing from the truth. Only God and a great therapist can help us process through that level of grief. I don’t know that the wound of infertility is ever healed, but we can come to a place of acceptance. Only when we reach that space should we consider stepping into an adoption situation where we are equipped to help our adoptee navigate and process through the trauma of being adopted. 

The desire to be a mom is natural and normal, however we cannot confuse what we desire with what we deserve. My prayers and sincere desires to become a mom did not mean that I was entitled to someone else’s baby. I was not owed a baby because of my inability to have biological children. I love my son more than anything in this world and I cannot even fathom a life without him, but I do not believe that his mom got pregnant to fulfill the desires of my heart. I was able to become a mom because she chose us to raise her son, not because I was in some way more deserving of motherhood. To be chosen is an honor and a privilege not an expectation.  

I think it’s easy for us to feel like we are owed something because our infertility has taken so much away from us. If we are not careful, we can become so desperate to become a mom that we overlook that for us to become mothers, another mother’s arms must be emptied. For our family to be created, another family must be broken. In our desperation we run the risk of becoming blind and numb to the life altering decision that adoption is for both the adoptee and the birth family. In that blindness we can overlook or justify coercive behaviors toward the expectant mom for the sake of getting what we want. We need to remember that the ultimate goal is for families to stay together, but when that is not possible adoption comes in. When we say yes to adoption we are not just saying yes to a baby, we are saying yes to opening our hearts to their birth family and honoring them always, educating ourselves on parenting a child with trauma and continually seeking ways to support our adoptees as they process through what it means to be adopted. 

We are not defined by our infertility or whether someone calls us mom. Our worth comes from knowing what the Lord says about us. He says we are valuable, lovely and cherished and made to reflect His goodness. The desire to be a mother is not in and of itself a bad thing, however, we cannot let that desire turn into desperation that clouds our judgment and compassion towards the expectant mom and her plan for her child. In the wait, we must constantly check our hearts to see if there is any hint of entitlement. We can grieve our infertility AND accept the fact that our infertility does not automatically mean we deserve someone else’s baby. Once we accept that mentality, we can fully embrace all the complexities of adoption, honor both the adoptee and birth family and rely on God’s wisdom and guidance to do things with integrity throughout the whole adoption journey.   

*Post contributed by adoptive mother, Cecily Conquest.

Editor’s Note: This guest blog post was submitted by hopeful adoptive mother, Roxanne Rich, who shares an honest look into what they have learned and are still discovering during their adoption journey. With her gracious permission, we have the privilege to feature this raw and transparent piece with you.

Let’s be honest. The road to adoption is exhausting.  

My husband, Auston, and I are still in our “season of waiting” and can tell you firsthand that the ups and downs of this experience can drain you and your marriage. Early in this ever-winding road of trying to grow our family, my husband and I have experienced ill health, pregnancy losses, and large disagreements that could only be resolved after speaking with a professional counselor. We have been poked and prodded by doctors. We’ve been forced to face hard truths about our physical, emotional, and psychological limits. And that all occurred BEFORE we chose to sign on with an adoption agency for the “next path forward”.  

Once you’re officially on the road to adoption a whole new set of questions start circling in your head: When will we be chosen? When will the next situation come through?Does everyone else feel like this? Why weren’t we chosen? Should we rewrite our profile book? What can we do to make ourselves look more appealing, make an expectant mother like us, or help promote our agency so expectant mothers know about them. Why does everyone overlook us? What’s next?. . . 

Your head spins, you lose sight, and finally you scream into the abyss of your brain, “SILENCE! Wait your turn. You’re not the only family on this journey. Have patience and give yourself grace.”

You take a beat. You breathe a bit. And you begin to try to understand why you’re here. Beyond adoption. Beyond growing your family. Why are you HERE? Why are you in this moment? Why are you still waiting when other hopeful adoptive-parents have already been chosen? Why did your adoption become disrupted? Why. Are. You. Here?

Everyone has different “why’s”. While trying to find reasons for our own specific path that we have no idea where it leads, my husband and I have found answers near and far. And fun fact, none of them have to do with expanding our own family.  

EMBRACE THE NOW.  

While you’re here, remember to enjoy the life around you. By not being chosen and by sitting in a house with an empty bedroom, we are forced to embrace our current life. Instead of holding a cooing baby, my husband has time to coach our son’s baseball team. Instead of washing and drying newborn clothes, I have the time after work to volunteer at non-profits like my church and at local theaters. By being told “no” about a future with an expectant mother, we have had the opportunity to look around us and hone in on what makes today and today alone so precious. Once we’re done waiting, we’re not getting these weeks, months, or years back. So let’s live and love in the now and make this time great.  

BUILD A COMMUNITY.  

You may be here so that you have time to reach out to others who are on a similar journey and build a community of those who understand what you’re going through. Creating a support group of friends, family, and strangers who become mentors and friends is so important in the adoption process. You can take notes from those who have already adopted, lean on and pray for those who are in your same phase of waiting, and you can help others to decide if adoption is the right path for them. We’ve all heard that “raising a child takes a village”. Use this time to build yours.  

BE A LIGHT.  

Many of us have fallen into the trap of organizing and reorganizing a nursery. Or staring at our social media posts and profile books wondering what we can tweak to make them better. Hours are spent rewriting, refolding, and preparing for something that is not here yet. What if we took all of that anxiety and pent-up excitement of one day adopting and put it into taking care of others and ensuring they have a great day?

With my brother-in-law deployed, we have used this time of waiting to really lean into helping my sister juggle her two young boys. From random playdates to tagging in at bedtime, we have used our “spare time” to shower the boys with love and help uphold a steady environment where they can thrive. As an added bonus, earlier this summer we chose to put down the grant application we had been stressing over and created a secret text with friends and family to ensure my sister had a great birthday while her husband was deployed. By the time her birthday rolled around the group had created an all-day scavenger hunt full of birthday surprises that ended with all of us at dinner together. Auston & I were able to turn off our brains from the adoption wait for a whole week while ensuring that on my sister’s birthday she felt supported and surrounded by love.  

By being a light during someone else’s challenging time, you help elevate your own happiness and ease the passing of time … even if just for a week.  

BE SOME OTHER FAMILY’S SUPPORT.  

As mentioned before, the adoption process can be a rollercoaster. When a fellow hopeful-adoptive-parent is feeling down with a “woe is me ” or “why not us?” outlook, try to be the sounding board when someone is spiraling. Sit with them, talk with them, and begin to lift them up to help them see a positive angle to why they’re here. By being their shoulder to lean on and offering a hand when they stumble, your understanding of the adoption process and the adoption triad will grow immensely.  

EDUCATE AND ADVOCATE.  

In this God-sent time of waiting, we could use our time here to turn our attention to educating others about adoption and in turn, advocating for all three points of the adoption triad. Education can come through podcasts, books, blogs, etc. My personal favorite is through conversation. Through education, we can better understand an outsider’s confusion, empathize with a fellow hopeful-adoptive-parent, and welcome knowledge being given to us by a birth mother, adoptee, or adoptive parent.  

Finding your reason for being here is not always simple. And truth be told, it doesn’t always give you peace of mind, because some days are just hard. But it helps. By taking a hard look at your reason behind choosing to adopt, you can find the true meaning of why your life story is unfolding the way it is.  

So tell me … Why are you here?

*Post contributed by hopeful adoptive mother, Roxanne Rich

Editor’s Note: This guest blog post was submitted by adoptive mother, Heather Kaltenbach, who shares what they learned during their adoption journey. With her gracious permission, we have the privilege to feature this beautiful and encouraging piece with you.

Like you, I think we all went into adoption for the first time scared, uncertain, uncomfortable, and lost in all that is adoption. One thing we all know we can lean on is God and His timing. Throughout our walk in our adoption journey, we know that there are times when we feel alone and the silence in it is deafening. But if I can give you one ounce of hope – it is that God is there in the silence, in the pain, in the frustration, and He is in the joy. Here is our story – full of bumps, silence, and joy.

Our story starts off in the Summer of 2016. We were three years into our marriage and decided it was time to start our family. We thought it would be easy. We were wrong. It was difficult. Knowing something wasn’t right, I tried to make appointments to discuss what was going on – and I finally got one in December. I was told to have my husband get tested because he would be an easier fix. I sent him on a wild-goose chase. He went to his doctor, who referred him to a urologist. Disclaimer – never send husbands alone to these appointments. I am not sure what occurred, but he came home with a procedure scheduled and medicine. I made him cancel it all and sent him to the fertility specialist. Once there, he went through the appropriate testing, and he was told he was fine. The problem was me. We made an appointment for me in May of 2016. I made my mom come with me because I couldn’t hear bad news alone. I was diagnosed with PCOS and was told IUI would be my best chance at pregnancy. We went all in and went through 9 IUIs before getting pregnant. That pregnancy ended in a miscarriage. We tried two more times, but neither of us wanted to continue with the poking and prodding that ended in heartbreak.

In May of 2018, I saw this on Facebook – “God has you in the palm of His hand. He sees what is happening; He hasn’t brought you this far to leave you. He’d about to do something unusual, something bigger than you’ve imagined.” I stopped in my tracks and realized that there were some twists that happened that I never thought of – particularly why adoption was placed in my heart. Before I married my husband, I heard about Quiver Full Adoptions from a co-worker and wonderful friend. She is Elizabeth’s aunt. She would always talk to me about Elizabeth and Quiver Full, and I never knew why. I just listened. She made a comment that has lived within my heart for years, “I don’t know why, but I feel like you need to meet with Elizabeth.” (Elizabeth, we need to make that happen!) Then I remembered that my mom never liked the idea of fertility treatments, she said, “I feel like you are going to adopt. I just feel it.” My mom is never wrong – ever. I know now this was God walking along with me and guiding me through others. Naturally, I ignored it and did what I was going to do to have a family. I should have listened!

We announced our intent to grow our family through adoption on our Christmas cards in 2018. We became active in June of 2019. And then we waited, and waited, and waited. Oh – then Covid lockdowns happened. So, while we waited – we were locked down. We couldn’t travel and we certainly couldn’t see family. Loneliness crept in so we decided to buy a new house in July of 2020. What else could we do but make big life purchases?

On my birthday in August of 2020, we got our first opportunity to be on a call with an expectant mother. I was so nervous and so was my husband. The first day of school is always my birthday and that year was no different. With permission from my principal, I went out to my car to make the phone call. It went so well, but ultimately, we weren’t chosen. At the time, I was heartbroken. We were active for over a year, and we only had ONE call. Discouragement set in. Pain and silence were all we had. Then September came, and an expectant mom called me. I did not answer, nor did I call back until I knew it was real.

We started to grow our relationship with the expectant mother. She decided to find out more about open adoptions while she was in church. She was around five months pregnant with a boy when she contacted us. We talked weekly. We learned so much about her and grew to love her and her family. With the help of Quiver Full, we found a lawyer in her home state of Georgia. We loved this lawyer and the law firm. He took her out to lunch, and he felt she was a wonderful mother and person. A week after he met with her, we met her over Thanksgiving Break. We went to lunch with her and her mom and felt like we all just fit. She developed her hospital plan with Quiver Full, but asked for our input to make sure we were comfortable with her choices. Things were going well – until they weren’t.

In December, my brother and his family came to Florida to go to Disney, so the whole family was together and just waiting to add one more. The expectant mom was going to her weekly appointment and said she would call. Her thought was baby boy was going to come early. When I didn’t hear from her, I just knew something was wrong. I finally got a hold of her. She told me that the baby no longer had a heartbeat. She asked if she was allowed to use the names we agreed upon. Oliver Scott was born on December 9, 2020, and passed away on December 9, 2020. I was lucky to be with my family, but my heart is forever with her. She is one of the strongest women I know, and I will forever hold her in my heart.

We wanted to give up. We had been through a miscarriage, we had only one expectant parent interested in our family, and then we had Oliver pass. Maybe this was God telling us that parenting wasn’t for us. That is all we focused on and then Quiver Full called. We were not eligible for grants due to our finances. Quiver Full called us on December 14th , letting us know we received a gift of $3000. At that moment, I knew we weren’t done on our journey. We decided not to pull out of our journey in adoption, but we weren’t going to put ourselves back on the active list just yet.

December 16, 2020, changed us. Facebook populated this for me: “The pain that you’re feeling can’t compare to the joy that’s coming.” Romans 8:18. I couldn’t see that, but I didn’t want to see it. I was angry, I was hurt, and I went silent with God. While making dinner, my phone rang. It was an unknown number, but it had the area code of Georgia – so I answered on a whim. It was the lawyer and he said he had a request. He asked us if we were ok with him showing our profile to another expectant mom who was due on December 24 th . We said we were ok with it, but we had questions. Was it ethical? It was, he had already gone to the Georgia Bar Association to make sure he wasn’t violating our ethics or the expectant mom’s rights. Did she know our story? He said she did and wanted to know if we were willing to work with our lawyer’s dad (who was also an adoption lawyer). We said we would. We did not hear a word until that Friday, December 18 th . She liked us and didn’t feel the need to meet with us until the baby was born.

Christmas came and we were holding a secret. A BIG secret. We text messaged the lawyer wondering if anything happened. He said she was still working and had not gone into labor. So, we went to Target and bought some girl items and waited. And waited some more. December 29th is my husband’s birthday – we got a call. If she didn’t go into labor, she would be induced on the 30th . He advised us to head to Georgia. We were taking our time and then he called again. She was in labor, and she wanted us there! We packed up as quickly as we could and set out to a town we had never heard of to meet the mom. At 2:14AM on December 30, 2020, she gave birth to a healthy baby girl, and both were doing well.

We couldn’t get to the hospital until 9AM, but I am positive we were in the parking lot as early as possible. We put on our badges and got on the longest elevator ride of our lives – three floors up. We were with the hospital social worker when we met our daughter’s mom. She was so sincere and so happy. We came up with a name together, Noelle Raine. Noelle for being so close to Christmas and Raine because that was the name her mom wanted her to have. When we walked into our room and Noelle was pushed in by the nurse, I have never felt more complete in my life. Exactly eight hours after she was born, she grabbed my finger and hasn’t let go since.

When I could, I texted my best friend – she had her daughter on December 10, 2020. I said, “I’m sorry I can’t meet Lily. I had to meet her best friend first.” I have never kept a big secret from her, but I also knew I needed time to just be with Noelle and my husband. My mom asked if she could let our extended family know because all were so heartbroken about Oliver. And my aunt called and said that she felt a Christmas miracle was happening. It did happen.

Fast forward to April 22, 2021 – adoption day. We finalized our adoption on Zoom. According to the judge, we had the largest turn out he has ever seen for an adoption hearing. Noelle had aunts, uncles, grandparents, friends, coworkers, pastors, cousins, and lawyers welcoming her to our family.

If God never had us go through the pain, we wouldn’t have Noelle. If we didn’t follow what God placed in our hearts, we wouldn’t have Noelle. We needed the bumps, the pain, and the silence on our journey to our girl. A fellow adoptive mom sent me Psalms 126:5 when I was at the height of my sorrow, “Those who sow with tears will reap with songs of joy.”

Not so long ago, I asked Noelle if she knew what a miracle was. In all the wonder and the amazement that is a two-and-a-half-year-old, she said, “Me. I am a miracle.” And she is. She is our miracle. She is her birth mom’s miracle. She is a testament to following God and listening to Him.

I guess what I am saying is to follow the bumps, take the silence, and know God is right there. He is always there. He wouldn’t have taken you this far to let you go alone. Adoption is bumpy, bittersweet, and beautiful.

*Post contributed by adoptive mother, Heather Kaltenbach

Editor’s Note: This guest blog post was submitted by adoptive mother and adult adoptee, Christine Wernquist, who shares their journey in the first of a three-part series. With her gracious permission, we have the privilege to feature this beautiful piece with you.

This is the first blog post of a three-part series. My prayer in sharing our story throughout this series is that families who are in the waiting will feel encouraged and to see how God perfectly knit our story together. Disclaimer: Our daughter’s birth mother has given permission to share details of our story. Some details will remain private for the sake of the intimacy of our journey. 

Hello! My name is Christine. Adoption has always been part of my story, as I am an adoptee myself. My husband, John, and I always knew that we wanted to grow our family through adoption someday. Like so many couples, John and I faced infertility issues when trying to start our family. After a year and a half of trying and visiting fertility specialists, we were told we would never conceive naturally. We were also told that IVF and IUI would not be options either due to aggravating factors. We had a long weekend getaway trip to Gatlinburg planned, and we got the phone call from the fertility doctor the day before we were scheduled to leave. It was amazing how God had already lined up a space for us to getaway to and grieve. 

Upon our return from Gatlinburg, we decided that it was time to pursue adoption. After countless hours of research, we landed on Quiver Full Adoptions. We immediately knew that this was the agency we were meant to partner with. We hit the ground running getting all of our required documentation in order, including our home study. Three of our friends who had gone through the adoption process all used the same social worker, whom they connected us with. I never imagined the bond we would form with her and how much she would support us through the entire process and years beyond. Flash forward a couple of months and we are placed on the waitlist with QFA. The very next day, which just happened to be our anniversary, Elizabeth called us to tell us we were placed on the active list! Twenty-six days later we got a call that an expectant mother had chosen us. I will save the details on how we got connected for the next post, but the short version is that a mutual friend of a friend saw our Hoping to Adopt Facebook page and shared our information with her. 

We were cautioned of the risks of being chosen so early, considering she was only nine weeks pregnant. After an hour long phone conversation with her, we felt an overwhelming sense of peace and knew we wanted to proceed, no matter the outcome. The following months would end up being a journey we never expected. 

We were so fortunate to be in the same town as our expectant mother so we were able to get together more often than not. Whether it was getting dinner together or helping her move, every visit helped build the foundation for a beautiful friendship. She was so gracious to invite me to her OBGYN appointments. I will never forget seeing that tiny little bean on the ultrasound for the first time. I cannot describe the gratitude I felt to get to be present for her appointments throughout her pregnancy, getting to watch this precious girl grow and develop in real time, especially since I never thought I would have the opportunity to experience pregnancy. I will never forget getting a phone call from our expectant mom at work telling me, “Christine, my water broke!”. I rushed out of the building and went straight to the hospital to meet her. She had invited John and I to be present for the delivery. After about twelve hours of labor and three pushes, the most beautiful baby girl entered the world. That moment is forever seared into my heart. 

When I share our story, I often tell people that our adoption story is a bit of a unicorn story. The things we experienced are not common. It is not common to be chosen so early on. It is not common to attend so many medical appointments. It is not common to be asked to be in the room for delivery. I honestly believe it is quite rare to develop the type of friendship that we developed with our daughter’s birth mother. Everyone’s adoption journey looks different. There is not one story that is like another, which is a beautiful thing. My own adoption story is nothing like my daughter’s story. 

No matter the story, it will be beautifully imperfect. The one perfect, constant force in our story is our Heavenly Father. Isaiah 60:22 says “When the time is right I, the Lord, will make it happen”. I encourage you to lean on this verse and trust in His timing.

*Post contributed by adoptive mother and adult adoptee, Christine Wernquist

Editor’s Note: This guest blog post was submitted by adoptive father, Joseph Tanner, who wrote it during their adoption journey for his blog, Consulting & Counseling. With his gracious permission, we have the privilege to feature this honest, relatable piece on our own blog. We hope you find his words helpful and encouraging.

Melicia and I have committed to engaging on this platform often enough to document our story and keep others informed along the path, so it’s time for another update. We want others – whether you’re going through a similar situation or not – to be able to understand what we’re thinking and what’s going on along the way, rather than when we look back at the end. Hindsight’s 20/20, but there’s also a temptation for some revisionist history along the way if don’t stay in the moment. So, here goes – we’re in a new stage of waiting and here’s what that’s like:

We are officially “active” with our adoption agency! This means we are eligible to be matched with a situation that our agency brings to our attention. Once we’re notified of an [expectant] mother situation, we are able to say “yes” or “no” and then the [expectant] mother will choose from all active couples who say “yes” to the situation, thereby forming a match.

In this stage, a couple of ideas are running through our minds. First, we want to say “yes” to everything. We’ve got a lot of love to give and this has been a long process. The end starts to seem like it could be near. Second, we realize we can’t say “yes” to everything. Our adoption agency has been very helpful in providing some topics we need to discuss in advance so that we can be prepared to quickly say “yes” or “no” when that email comes through. Though not an exhaustive list, topics include:

• Are we equipped for the immediate medical needs of the baby? This means mentally and emotionally, but even financially – and especially geographically, what medical and childcare services are available where we live?
• Are we equipped culturally and socially for the needs of the baby? Do we have people and resources in our life to support a child who may come from a different cultural or ethnic background than ours?
• Are we equipped for the long-term developmental needs of the baby? Given what’s known at the time, do we have access to the necessary kinds of education and specialized schooling the child may need? If not, would we be in a position to change our circumstances?

These are hard questions because we never want to say “no,” but we have to understand and be honest with ourselves when we’re not the best option for this baby. It would be selfish to ignore that truth and say “yes” when it’s unwise to do so. If you’re going through the adoption process and haven’t been exposed to these kinds of considerations, please reach out and we’d love to share what we’ve learned in more detail.

And then we get to those situations where we do say “yes.” After that, we just wait – we hope and pray that we’re chosen. That brings me to the third idea running through our minds these days. We want so badly to plead our case as to why we should be chosen. “Look at our profile book! Look! We’re a perfect fit! We satisfy the exact needs in this situation – no need to stress over the decision!” If only we could say that, we might be chosen…

…but that’s not the way it works.

For good reason, we cannot plead our case. We have to remember that this process is not designed for our benefit. It is for the child and then it is for the [expectant] mother. We ought not place undue pressure on a birth mother when an ideal resolution is full restoration and a unified family. This world is a broken place, but we should not desire another broken family so that ours can be full. To do so would be inconsiderate, un-Christlike, and unethical. Instead, we are simply experiencing a different kind of waiting – one where even though we’re waiting for something different, we are once again left waiting to trust the Lord’s will, timing, and provision.

*Post contributed by adoptive father, Joseph Tanner .

Read more about Joseph & Melicia’s story by visiting Joseph’s blog, Consulting & Counseling.

Embarking on the path of adoption can be both exhilarating and daunting. Among the various adoption options, open adoption has gained popularity in recent years, offering a unique opportunity for birth parents, adoptive parents, and children to maintain connections and nurture ongoing relationships. Since 2017, when our agency added a new application requirement for all prospective adoptive families to be willing to pursue an open adoption prior to their approval, we often are initially met with fears surrounding the topic and this requirement. It is natural for anyone considering open adoption to experience fears and concerns initially, due to the lack of conversation and education surrounding the topic, outside of the adoption community.

As an adoptive mother, and one of the founders of this agency, I know it’s hard to admit at times all of the fears that circulate in a prospective adoptive couple’s minds and often times the biggest fear of all is what others may think if you admit you and your spouse have fears or some hesitancy surrounding open adoption, because surely no one else is experiencing the same feelings. So I wanted to pull back the “curtain” and discuss some of the common fears we hear from families who are beginning their adoption journey. The hope is by exploring some of the common fears surrounding open adoption we are able to shed light on how open adoption can be a beautiful and fulfilling journey filled with love and understanding.

Fear of Uncertainty

One of the primary fears that individuals may encounter when considering open adoption is the fear of uncertainty. They may worry about not knowing what the future holds, how the relationship with the birth parents will evolve, or how the child will navigate having two sets of parents. It is essential to acknowledge that these concerns are valid and natural. However, open adoption allows for ongoing communication and transparency, which can foster a sense of stability and reassurance for all parties involved.

Fear of Boundaries and Intrusion

Another common fear revolves around boundaries and intrusion. Adoptive parents may fear that birth parents will overstep their boundaries or interfere with their parenting decisions. Similarly, birth parents may fear that they will be excluded or forgotten in the child’s life. Open adoption requires a delicate balance and clear communication to establish healthy boundaries. It is crucial for both parties to openly discuss expectations, concerns, and responsibilities to ensure that everyone feels respected and heard.

Fear of Attachment and Loss

One of the most significant fears in open adoption is the fear of attachment and loss. Adoptive parents may hesitate to form strong emotional bonds with the child for fear that the birth parents might reclaim custody or disrupt the stability of the adoption. At the same time, birth parents may worry about the emotional toll of witnessing their child grow up with another family. It is vital to acknowledge that open adoption can bring about complex emotions. However, through open and honest communication, trust can be fostered among all parties involved, leading to a deeper understanding of each other’s roles and creating a supportive environment for the child’s well-being.

Fear of Judgment and Criticism

In a society where traditional closed adoptions have been the norm for decades, individuals considering open adoption may fear judgment and criticism from their families, friends, or even strangers. It is essential to remember that open adoption is a personal choice made out of love and the desire to provide the best future for the child. Surrounding yourself with a supportive network of people who understand and respect your decision can help alleviate these fears and provide a strong foundation for the open adoption journey.

Open adoption, despite the initial fears and concerns, has the potential to create such a beautiful and fulfilling journey for all involved. By embracing open communication, setting healthy boundaries, fostering understanding, being willing to step into a lifelong relationship with another human being, assuming the best instead of the worst, the fears surrounding open adoption can and will be overcome—and surprisingly you’ll find they are replaced by such compassion, love, and understanding. This journey of discovering what open adoption really means for your family will stretch you, as it will all parties involved, as it allows birth parents, adoptive parents, and children to grow together and create unique, lasting connections that enrich all their lives. With empathy, compassion, and a willingness to learn and adapt, open adoption can be a transformative and rewarding experience for everyone involved.

Still have questions or concerns, we would love to help! Reach out to us today!

Editor’s Note: This guest blog post was submitted by adoptive mother, Beth Hardy, who shares what they learned during their adoption journey. With her gracious permission, we have the privilege to feature this encouraging, transparent piece with you.

“I’m not telling you it’s going to be easy.  I’m telling you it’s going to be worth it.” – Art Williams

The adoption journey is never an easy one, no matter what happens along the way.  Someone’s heart will break. There will be many tears shed. There is anxiety around every corner. However, every single second that you are experiencing the pain, doubt, and fear that come along with the process, know there is a purpose behind it all. God has a beautiful path for you to follow to your son or daughter—you just have to trust it.

Our adoption journey began in February 2016. John and I were so excited that we finally had a clear path that would lead us to our baby. We were in complete shock when we matched so quickly after only being live on our Facebook page for one day. A friend of a friend connected us with a young expectant mother (M) who was already overdue. Could this be happening? Would we finally be parents after 5 years of trying so hard to start our family? Was this our daughter? We got the call on a Friday a few weeks later that M was in labor and already at the hospital dilated to 6 centimeters. We needed to get there immediately so we rushed home from work, quickly packed—hindsight we probably should have been more prepared—and drove the 5 plus hours to Georgia to meet our baby girl. She was born before we got there, but we were able to hold her right away. I was shaking so hard that I had to sit down and hand her to John. I couldn’t believe she was actually here—our daughter, who we had prayed for, was finally in our arms.

But then she wasn’t. We spent the night in the hospital caring for that sweet baby girl, but God had other plans for us. We got a call the next day that M had changed her mind, and shortly after that the nurse came in to take her away from us. I was crying, John was crying, the nurse was crying, and I am sure M was crying, too. What a difficult decision for her to make. To have the courage, at 16 years old, to decide that she could be a Mommy. To know that, as young as she was, this was the path that she was willing to take—knowing it would not be easy, and that she was doing what she thought was best for her daughter. Were we upset?  Of course! Was it difficult to move forward? Yes. Did we question continuing with the adoption process? You bet. However, God had a purpose in connecting us with M. We truly believe we were put into M’s life to give her that little push she needed to realize she wanted to be a parent. While the adoption was a failure to us, at the same time it was an affirmation to M—that she could do this and be the best Mommy she could be, and that God trusted her to do what was best for that sweet baby girl and to always put her needs first.

A few short months later, after speaking with several expectant mothers, we connected to another young woman who would soon become our next match, “A”. She was young, having trouble in her marriage, had four children at home, and had already placed her son for adoption a few years ago. I was convinced God led us to her because the baby’s due date was July 29, my birthday! “A” and I became fast friends, texting all day long, typically every day. John and I met her, her husband, and one year old daughter for Mexican food one day. The conversation never stopped and she seemed so sure that adding another baby to her household would be far too difficult to handle. As more time passed, she began to feel more and more unsure. With her last adoption, things did not go as planned. She was still having a difficult time connecting to the adoptive parents and they were not nearly as open as they had originally planned. Her family was very much against her decision to make an adoption plan and they were starting to make her feel like she was a bad mother. “A” knew this would be her last child and was having difficulty with the idea of not experiencing all of the “baby” things one last time. All of these doubts were starting to creep into her mind; however, “A” and I made plans to meet one last time before the she gave birth. In the meantime, her mother and her friends had a baby shower for her. She ordered personalized onesies and hats for the baby when he was born, and started to purchase other baby things. It was so hard to see these preparations when we so wanted this baby to be ours. We had already been through a failure and I just didn’t know that we could take another one.

John and I began to realize that “A” was feeling that adoption was not the right choice for her family. We never met again, and when the little boy was born on July 25,  she did not ask us to be at the hospital. We gave her the space she needed to make her decision, but in our hearts, we knew what the answer was going to be. That little boy was not ours and we would never meet him. Yet another failure on our bumpy adoption road.

When John and I began to realize that “A” was changing her mind about the adoption plan, I connected to another expectant mother “D” who lived only 20 minutes away. She was a young woman who had a 2 year-old daughter, lived with her boyfriend, and had medical issues that she believed prevented her from caring for a newborn. With the support of her mother and a therapist, she decided to move forward with an adoption plan for her little boy and chose us to parent. We met with “D” and her boyfriend a few times and were even blessed enough to be present for an ultrasound of the sweet baby boy. John and I were so convinced that this was our son, that we allowed ourselves to begin to buy baby stuff. We talked about names, picked paint colors for the nursery, and actually got excited that this was finally our chance. We would be parents and our son would be home with us in a few short weeks. God wouldn’t let us down this time!

We got a text on August 5th that “D” was in labor and that we should get to the hospital immediately. It was a short drive away, so we were able to be with “D” during her labor, only leaving the room when she was ready to push. John and I waited nervously in the waiting room until “D’s” mother came to get us to meet our son—OUR SON! As soon as we got back to the room, they placed him in my arms. “D” asked us what name we had chosen for him and I finally exhaled and spoke it out loud for the first time. Was this really the end? Was he really ours? Would our prayers finally be answered? The short answer is no—over the weekend, we cared for that sweet little boy while “D” rested and her boyfriend worked. John and I only went home at night to sleep and were back in the hospital the next morning to bask in the joy of new parenthood. Sunday was the day that paperwork was going to be signed and that morning, we went to the hospital thinking everything was going as planned. We had his car seat ready, bassinet set up, and clothes washed. We thought he was coming home with us, but things took an unexpected turn. After a heart-wrenching, anxiety-filled day waiting on the benches outside of the hospital, we were told that papers were not going to be signed. They wanted more time with the baby. He was not coming home with us. This failure hit particularly hard for us because both John and I were so convinced this was our baby. “D” and her boyfriend, even on Sunday morning, were telling us what great parents we would be and that they were not changing their minds. That’s the thing about adoption—the path is never a straight one and nothing is guaranteed. We just couldn’t believe God had let us down yet again. Another failure? How could we come back from this one?

To say we were devastated is an understatement. I went to work the next day and had a complete break down, so bad I couldn’t drive home. John had to come pick me up and I cried nonstop that entire day. How could God do this to us? What lesson were we supposed to learn this time? How would we ever become parents?

With yet another failure, came another purpose. God does not lead you down a painful path without a reason in mind. At the time, I was convinced that we were just being tortured. Why would we be given another chance at parenthood only to get it taken away so easily? Why would we be connected to an expectant mother that was so unsure? Little did I know God was preparing us for parenthood, but not in the way we were expecting. The very same day that “A”’s little boy was born—two failed adoptions back—our daughter actually came into the world. We had no idea who she was, or had even met her birth mother, but she was waiting for us to find her and bring her home. God knew we were ready to be parents, but the timing just wasn’t right yet.

To tell you the truth, it was so hard to see through the fog of complete despair. At the time, we were both angry and confused; however, we knew there was a purpose for us meeting this couple and to experience this failure. In our heart of hearts, this was not a match that we truly wanted, and God knew it. The birth parents wanted to see the baby once a month, then changed their mind to every other weekend. We couldn’t say no because at the time, we were so desperate to be parents that we would have probably agreed to anything. We truly did want an open adoption, but what the birth parents were looking for seemed more like co-parenting. I know they would not have been happy with their decision had they moved forward with the adoption, and I know that eventually, we would not have been able to live up to our end of the bargain. God knew this wasn’t the match for us and was leading us to our daughter all along, we just had to trust in His timing.

Two weeks to the day after learning that the little boy would not be ours, I got a text telling us about a three week old baby girl whose mother was looking for an adoptive family. I agreed to share our profile with the birth mother and not thinking anything would come out of it, didn’t share this opportunity with John.  I didn’t want him to get his hopes up yet again and honestly, I didn’t think much of it. Why would we be chosen this time? Nothing else seemed to be working in our favor and I didn’t allow myself to get excited. However, a few short hours later, I found out we were chosen out of ten other families! I got the phone call while I was in the middle of teaching and just burst into tears. Could this REALLY be our daughter? After everything we had been through, all of the failures, sleepless nights, and heartache, would we finally become parents?

On August 22, 2016, we drove the three hours to meet our daughter—OUR daughter. It took seven agonizing months, but all of it didn’t matter in the end. We truly believe we were always meant to be Piper’s parents and God had planned for us to find her all along. She is a perfect fit for our family and I could not imagine being any other child’s mommy. Throughout this adoption process, I have learned a lot about faith and trusting in God’s timing. Had one of our other matches worked out, we wouldn’t have Piper—and she wouldn’t have us. Did I wish our journey was not so difficult? Sometimes, but then I look at my daughter and know she wouldn’t be with us if we had followed another path. Was it easy? No. Worth it? Absolutely!

*Post contributed by adoptive mother, Beth Hardy. 

Editor’s Note: This guest blog post was submitted by adoptive mother, Becka Hall, who shares what they learned during their adoption journey. With her gracious permission, we have the privilege to feature this helpful piece with you.

Can we talk about open adoption for a few minutes? More often than not, when I mention to someone that we have an open adoption with our son, Oliver’s, birth mom, I am met with a look of complete fear staring back at me. Whether I am talking to a hopeful adoptive couple, one of my family members, friends, or just a random stranger, as I begin to explain our relationship with our birth mom people look at me like there is an actual UFO hovering above my head. I am not that crazy, people! Most of the time it boils down to the fact that these people don’t really understand how open adoption works and what it looks like on a day-to-day basis. If this is you sweet friend, it is completely ok. I would love to help you replace your fears with the reality of what open adoption looks like—if you will meet me here with an open mind.

Let’s start by realizing the difference between an open and closed adoption—also keep in mind that every relationship will look a little different for each situation. There is no set way to have an open or closed adoption. No one family or situation is the same, and of course sometimes open adoption is not what is best for everyone due to safety concerns and other factors. A closed adoption most often means there is no contact after the baby is placed—whether that be calls, texts, emails, letters, visits, etc. It can also mean no contact between the expectant mom and potential adoptive couple before the birth of the child. All communication goes through an agency, attorney, or social worker and no identifying information is swapped between the birth mother and the adoptive couple. Having a closed adoption does not mean that the child doesn’t know he/she is adopted, or that the adoptive parents do not talk about the birth parents to the child and tell them their story. Closed adoptions are becoming more and more uncommon because adoption professionals are seeing so many positive outcomes from semi-open and open adoptions, and because technology is opening up possibilities for what an open adoption can look like.

An open adoption brings the expectant family and adoptive couple together, realizing that both roles are important to the child. After placement, with an open adoption, birth families and adoptive families keep in contact with one another. This can range anywhere from a phone call to visits and be considered an open adoption. Semi-open adoptions are most often updates through pictures, letters, or emails. It is important to understand that having an open adoption doesn’t necessarily mean the birth family has your home address and can just pop in whenever they like. It’s all about the amount of openness you agree to, and setting clear, healthy boundaries that everyone is comfortable with. I know that open adoption can seem very overwhelming and scary at first, but when approached with an open mind many adoptive couples find that it can be a truly amazing approach to adoption.

Open adoption can benefit all members of the triad—birth parents, adoptive couples, and the child involved. For the adoptive couple, it provides you the opportunity to get to know the expectant parent(s). During our match, I absolutely loved getting to know Oliver’s birth mom and writing down important things about her that I look forward to sharing with him through the years. Getting to know the expectant parent(s) can help relieve a lot of the potential fears adoptive couples face during the process and diminish the “unknown”. Having a relationship with the birth parents can also prove to be beneficial for the adoptive couple as the child grows and things come up, such as health concerns. For the birth parents, knowing the adoptive couple and seeing the type of home and lifestyle their child will grow up in can give them peace of mind about their decision to place their child. Most importantly, open adoption provides the adopted child with the understanding of “why”—why they were placed for adoption and all the questions that come along with that. Knowing the birth parents and having the ability to connect with them—if they choose—eliminates potential identity issues and concerns the child may face. Open adoption dismisses the mystery in the child’s mind of having to wonder who they look like, or what their birth family is like, or how many biological siblings they have. Open adoption is in no way co-parenting, which is one of the biggest myths about open adoption. The adoptive parents will always be considered irreplaceable as “mom and dad” to the adopted child. According to researcher Harold Grotevant, “openness appears to help children understand adoption; relieve fears of adoptive parents; and help birth mothers resolve their grief.” Having that sense of understanding who they are and where they came from is so beneficial. Most importantly though, the child will know that they were placed for adoption not because they were unwanted or rejected, but out of love. So now that we’ve talked a bit about what open vs. closed adoption is, I’d like to share a little bit of my personal experience.

Oliver’s birth mom, whom I will call “L”, is one of the most selfless and courageous women I have ever met. She chose life for Oliver when everyone around her was screaming abortion to be the only solution. Her story is one packed full of heartbreak that is not mine to tell, but just know she is one very feisty and strong mama! Since the beginning of our relationship, when L and I first met, we have worked very hard to build a relationship built on trust and respect. Open adoption involves a lot of boundary setting and it takes a lot of work from both sides. We both know our roles and boundaries. And what a beautiful thing open adoption becomes when you find that rhythm. We are forever bonded, because after all, we share a son together! When I capture a cute picture of Oliver or when I caught his first steps on video, the first thing that came to mind was “I can’t wait for L to see this!” She is always so happy to see Oliver succeed and always backs up my role as “mama”. I cried my eyes out when I got a text from her last year on Mother’s Day that read, “Happy first Mother’s Day! I love you and I am so happy I chose you to be Oliver’s mom!” She blows my mind with how supportive she is of me and how she acknowledges me.

Developing a relationship in an open adoption also takes a lot of honest communication.  Was I scared to death of open adoption in the beginning? Heck yes! I was a nervous wreck! But over time L and I worked very hard to achieve the level of openness we have today. In order to get to that place, you have to be willing to put yourself out there a little. You have to be willing to sit in the uncomfortable, but isn’t that true in so many other aspects of life? God doesn’t call us to be comfortable, especially in our relationships with people—He calls us to trust him completely. If God has led you to pursue an open adoption, he will navigate you through it.

Of course working on our relationship didn’t come without bumps in the road, but having that healthy relationship with his birth mother will be so beneficial to Oliver as he grows up. The fact that he will be raised knowing that two mamas love him so fiercely, makes it even that much more important and special. Oliver will grow up knowing what an amazing sacrifice his birth mom made for him, and having not one, but two mothers in this world who love him so much and want the very best for him! I know open adoption is a hard concept for many people to wrap their minds around, mostly out of fear that their child cannot possibly love two moms, but they absolutely can! This relationship is no competition. Each of us have our own role—roles that come with their own challenges and benefits. If a mother can love more than one child, then why wouldn’t Oliver be able love more than one mother?

Knowing that we are paving the road for Oliver to realize his self-worth and better understand his identity, makes me so thankful that we chose an open adoption plan. I hope that by sharing my perspective, I have replaced some of your fears of open adoption with truth that will allow you to better understand your options as you consider what’s best for your family and adoption situation. The reality is, your child will have questions someday about their adoption—and having that openness established with your child’s birth mother will be so helpful in facilitating those conversations when that day comes. Open adoption is complex, it is scary at times, and it involves setting your personal fears aside for the best interest of your child. When you say yes to open adoption, you also say yes to the unexpected and the unknown, but it will be the most rewarding thing you’ll ever experience! Agreeing to an open adoption with our birth mother has been worth every awkward and every heartbreaking conversation we’ve had thus far. Just like you’ve done in every aspect of your adoption journey, take a leap of faith sweet friend, you’ll be so happy you did!

*Post contributed by adoptive mother, Becka Hall.

Editor’s Note: This guest blog post was submitted by adoptive mother, Beth Hardy, who shares some of their adoption story. With her gracious permission, we have the privilege to feature this honest and encouraging piece with you.

Our adoption journey started as many others do.  A year of trying to get pregnant, a visit to the fertility specialist, multiple procedures, a miscarriage, the decision to stop trying, taking some time for ourselves.  Then, the inevitable happened…we still desperately wanted to become parents.  So, we began another chapter in our lives, this time determined that God had big plans in store for us.

We started 2016 with the belief and drive that we would become parents.   In February, the day after our Facebook page went live, we were already matched with an expectant mother (M).  She was two weeks overdue and could have the baby any day. We were left scrambling to complete our Home Study and preparing ourselves to become parents to a sweet baby girl.   John and I could not believe our luck!  God was finally smiling down on us after all of the heartache we had been through.

We got the phone call two weeks later.  M was 5 centimeters dilated, so we rushed home from work to pack and drove 5 hours to meet our little bundle of joy.  She was perfect, she was an angel, she was as good as ours…and then she wasn’t.

We spent a little less than a day in the hospital caring for our precious baby. We named her, changed her diapers, fed her, comforted her when they took her blood, and loved on her.  But, she was not meant to be ours.  The birth mother changed her mind.  The happiest day of our lives turned into a horrible nightmare.

We always knew this was a possibility.  The most challenging part of adoption is giving up complete control and putting your faith in God that everything will turn out the way it is meant to be.  That little girl would not become our daughter, even though we both wanted her to be.  So, we were faced with a decision to make…let the sadness engulf us or move forward with the idea that God put us in M’s life for a reason.

At first, the decision was not an easy one.  We allowed ourselves to be truly sad, angry, and upset.  But, as the days went on, we realized that God had bigger plans for us than we first thought.  While we were not meant to be parents to this baby girl, we were put into her life for a reason.  God knew that M needed a little nudge to step up to the plate of motherhood and we were there to push her.  While this was not the outcome we saw in our future, it was the outcome that God had planned all along.

As the weeks have gone by, life is slowly returning to normal.  I will not lie to you and say that we are completely healed from this experience, but it gets a little bit easier every day.  Finding the silver lining has been difficult, but it is important to be able to move forward.  I know that God has good things in store for us and I cling to that belief.  I wake up every day and tell myself that we are one step closer to meeting our baby.  No matter what happens along the way, we are always one step closer.

*Post contributed by adoptive mother, Beth Hardy.