Trusting God With Our Waiting & Disruption

Editor’s Note: This guest blog post was submitted by adoptive mother, Amy Rowan, who shares what they learned during their adoption journey. With her gracious permission, we have the privilege to feature this insightful and transparent piece with you.

Adoption is a complicated tapestry woven together with strands of joy, sorrow, love, fear, excitement, grief, and more. While experiencing the journey, it’s easy to focus on the individual strands, but at the end of the story, a big, beautiful tapestry awaits. Our adoption journey officially began in December of 2019, but our desire to provide a loving home to a child or children began many years before that. Adoption had been important to Brendon and me for years as both of our families have been blessed by adoption. We knew that the process was very expensive, and before we officially began the process in 2019, we wanted to make sure that we were financially stable and had saved up enough to be prepared if things were to move quickly. Little did we know how slowly the process would move for us.

Once we applied and were accepted with the agency we chose (Quiver Full Adoptions), we knew there was a possibility that it would take years to welcome a child into our home; however, we thought “surely that won’t happen to us. God has given us this desire, so things will move quickly.” We were on a waiting list with our agency for about 8 to 9 months before we were moved to the active list which made us eligible to receive adoption situations. I’ll never forget the first adoption situation we received. We read through the situation and almost immediately said yes. Our minds then started spiraling about all the things we would need to do and the baby items we would need to purchase. I tried to keep my mind in check by reminding myself that we would not be chosen for the very first situation we ever received, but it was difficult to keep my thoughts reigned in. When we received the news that we had not been chosen, we were so disappointed even though we knew the likelihood of being chosen was low. That disappointment never got easier.

Over the next 15 months, we heard “no” so many times we began to feel numb. The wait was excruciating. We knew God had called us to adoption, but why were we hearing “no” again and again? The Lord used Psalm 130 during these difficult months. Verses 5 through 6a were especially meaningful to us during this time.

“I wait for the Lord, my soul waits, and in his word I hope; my soul waits for the Lord…” – Psalm 130:5-6a

I would play Shane and Shane’s “I Will Wait for You (Psalm 130)” on repeat and cry out to the Lord asking him to fulfill our deepest desire to fill our home with a child or children. This wait was so difficult, and we felt as though our friends, family, and coworkers did not understand what we were going through; however, the Lord gave us comfort through this time and brought people into our lives who truly could relate with our journey. Just when we felt we hit a new “low,” the Lord would provide either a financial blessing to help with adoption expenses or the kind words or actions of a friend. He was with us through the entire journey!

During those 15 months of waiting, there were many times we connected with expectant mothers, and we were so close to hearing “yes,” but that yes did not come until December of 2021. An expectant mother finally picked us! The baby was due in May of 2022, and we could not be more excited. We celebrated with family and friends and grew more excited by the day. The expectant mother lived about 2.5 hours away from us, so she was close enough to meet and spend some time with. We got to know her very well and communicated daily. We traveled to take her to doctor’s appointments and picked out a name for baby boy together. Our friends and family threw baby showers for us, and we had prepared everything we needed to welcome baby boy into our home. As her due date approached the expectant mother seemed to grow more distant. We expected this to happen as we knew that the closer the due date came, the more difficult things would be for her both physically and emotionally; however, I began preparing my heart for an adoption disruption. I couldn’t put my finger on it, but I had an instinct that the expectant mother would not follow through with her adoption plan. I truly believe this was the Lord preparing my heart for what was to come.

On the day before the expectant mother’s scheduled C-Section, we traveled to her hometown and checked into a hotel. It was there that we discovered that we had been blocked from all forms of communication with her, and our adoption agency had as well. We were devastated. Not only because of the adoption disruption, but also because it felt like we had lost a friend. We had spent months building a relationship with this expectant mother, and suddenly we had no contact with her. We drove home and unpacked our car. It was filled to the brim with baby items. We put all those items in the nursery, closed the door, and left them there for several weeks before we could muster up the courage to put them away. We spent the next week with our family, both grieving the loss of the child we expected to welcome into our home, but also rejoicing that the baby’s mother felt empowered and supported enough to raise her child. When we were tempted to feel like those six months were a waste of time and money, we remembered that the mother who had chosen us needed someone to walk through her pregnancy with her. We felt as though God had allowed us to be there to support her when she needed it most. That is certainly not a waste! We are thankful that both she and God had chosen us to walk beside her during a time in her life when she needed support.

Almost immediately after the disruption we jumped back into the world of waiting to be chosen. Again. Over the next couple of months, we had glimmers of hope that we were going to be chosen, but ultimately, we were not. We felt the Lord leading us to partner with an adoption attorney in addition to our agency to hopefully broaden our reach with expectant mothers. By this point in time, our official adoption journey had been ongoing longer than 2.5 years. After taking the leap to retain the adoption attorney, we were contacted about the possibility of being presented to two different expectant mothers, but the attorney’s office would only present us to one at a time, so we had to pick one. We picked the situation that seemed a little bit more complicated, but we both felt the Lord leading us that direction. And boy are we glad we listened to His leading! The expectant mother picked us! This was mid-July, and her due date was only a little over 2 months away. Once again, we were thrilled!

After the initial excitement settled, the fear of another disruption began to creep in. The roller coaster of emotions was so difficult. One moment I could barely contain my excitement, and the next moment, I would be convinced that it was too good to be true. The Lord brought Psalm 34:4 to our attention which says,

“I sought the Lord and He answered me and delivered me from all my fears.” – Psalm 34:4

When tempted to fear, I would do my best to redirect my attention to seeking the Lord. We knew that He cared for us and had plans for our family. And boy were they amazing plans.

In late September, our precious daughter, Ivy Marie, was born in Oregon. We traveled across the entire country (which is a story of God’s provision in and of itself). She was in our arms a mere 12 hours after her birth, and she has been loved and held by us ever since. The name Ivy means “God’s gracious gift,” and besides our relationship with God, Ivy is our greatest most treasured blessing. The Lord provided for us in many ways during our time in Oregon. Friends and family donated toward our travel expenses, we were chosen to be the recipients of an adoption grant the same day we found out the adoption would be more expensive than we originally anticipated, and we received multiple gift cards for coffee and food. This doesn’t include the businesses that supported our journey by donating portions of their sales to our adoption fund, our church family donating toward adoption expenses, the people we met in Oregon who loaned us baby supplies, or the fundraisers that family and friends held on our behalf.

Our story is not perfect. I doubted God’s plan through this process, and there were times that I wondered if our desire to provide a home for a child was our own selfish desire. Had we misunderstood what we felt to be God’s calling? No, we heard Him correctly – He just had some work to do in our hearts before we were ready. One of the things I learned through this process is that it’s ok to need the help of others. My personality is wired to be a helper – I love to be there for others when they need it. But there will be times that I need help, and it’s ok to allow others to be a blessing to me. I also learned that God’s timing is not always our timing. When we started this process in 2019, I wanted a child…like yesterday. I could never have dreamed that we would have to wait almost 3 years before that desire would become a reality. But God taught us so much during the wait. He taught us to be patient, and He taught us to keep our eyes on Him.

As we prepare to celebrate Ivy’s first birthday, I am so thankful for what God taught us through this journey. Don’t be discouraged during the wait. Lean into the support of your family and friends and lean into the lessons that the Lord is teaching you. When God has placed a desire in your heart, pursue that desire and know that He will prepare a way in His own timing. Seek Him and His desires for your life will become your desires. Psalm 37:4 says,

“Delight yourself in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart.” – Psalm 37:4

This verse does not mean that God will give you whatever you want whenever you want; however, it does mean that as you desire God, he will mold your desires to align with His. When I look at the tapestry of our adoption journey and trace back each individual strand, they all lead back to God’s goodness. The tapestry, though full of tears and trials, is beautiful.

*Post contributed by adoptive mother, Amy Rowan